>I’ll meet you any time you want in our Italian restaurant – Billy Joel


I wish I could lie, honestly. I’m quite bad at it. Most musos/those who write about music/those with an intense passion for music will say that they grew up listening to the “classics”. I’m sure you’ve heard it all before. They’ll paint you a romantic picture of them floating around in the womb while The Stones, Clapton, The Beatles etc, etc, crackled on vinyl in the background when in actual fact, some semi-formed foetus was being jolted from its undisturbed slumber, hence the reason it started kicking the shit out of mommy dearest. Moving swiftly along…
I had a somewhat different musical upbringing with these men: Jimmy Roselli, Paolo Conte, Louis Prima, Pino Daniele, Renato Carosone – are you beginning to notice some kind of trend here? I thought as much.
I’m very proud of my Italian heritage, as most of you might know. No doubting the fact that we’re all insane, uuuh I mean passionate – let’s just say we’re all insanely passionate people – I grew up thinking these crooners were Gods (note the use of the capital G there) thanks in part to my gran. My parents had the sense to provide me with a better musical education in my formative years.
With all this taken into account, you can imagine my horror when some freaks called Yolanda Be Cool & Dcup decided to turn one of my beloved Canzone Napoletana into some disgusting dance remix called ‘We No Speak Americano’. This abhorrence is everywhere. They play it every hour on the radio and in various clubs. It’s blaring out of car stereos and people jig around like freaks to it, I’ve seen this crime committed.  I reckon I’ve even succumbed to it in a drunken state or two. Although if I’m ever accused of this I shall claim memory loss.
If you don’t know what I’m talking about, tough. I ain’t posting that video here because I’m sure you will learn of this tune’s existence soon enough.
Instead I’ve opted to post the original version here sung by Neapolitan legend, Renato Carosone called ‘Tu Vuò Fa’ L’Americano’. Basically the gist of song is this: some Neapolitan dude is very upset that some other Neapolitan dude is parading around like an American when in actual fact he was born in Italy. My favourite line is when he tunes him for drinking “whiskey and soda” like an American, but then getting sick because his Italian stomach can’t deal with it. Don’t think Renato would like me very much. I’d totally be able to prove that theory wrong.

If you hear that other dirty remix today, think of me.