Feature

Smet pleks to suip in the Southern Suburbs: Gonzo’s

I’m dumbfounded at the fact that a cesspool of liquor shares the same parking lot as a Spur.

I mean, there’s a Checkers. A whole Checkers. A Cash Crusaders. A Romans. A bubi store. A castle-like-building that actually sells pretty jas ribs. And then, a Gonzo’s. 

What the fuck is a Gonzo’s?

Can someone actually tell me, please?

Before it was transformed into the Gonzo’s you see before you today, it was actually a GHD repair shop that changed its business due to a large client base.

A plethora of steps lead you upstairs to an entrance that provides an unequivocally beautiful view of Ocean Basket.

When entering, you get searched head-to-toe no matter if you’re wearing a suit or a fucking Shoprite packet. It’s brutally consistent, but I suppose it’s necessary, because have you heard the mad kak that’s happened at that place?

No, you haven’t.

Those who know about the stuff that’s happened at Gonzo’s don’t speak about it because that would imply that they were actually there.

Super fantastic place to shoot some pool and much like their sister-school, Pirates, the adhesive on the wooden floors make it impossible to fucking walk, let alone leave. I honestly don’t skat the floor has ever been washed there – like since creation – which is rather impressive.

True story, I once went to Gonzo’s with no money and three entjies. Came home with a R60 and a box of Stuyvi Red – tell your taanies.

The majority of people who go to Gonzo’s are either craving one of their fire pizzas or own a V-TEC, and therefore, have no choice. I wouldn’t say it’s a race thing, but coloured people love Gonzo’s. Pirates have those smet whites, but Gonzos have the brasse who smaak a gala.

Respectively not my scene, but I have lost many a game of pool there, which is always lovely.

What I always admired about Gonzo’s was their creativity when it came to hosting events. Stripper night, Psy-night, bring-your-laatie-to-the-jol night…they were always ahead of their time.

My deepest fear is that someone reading this might’ve been conceived on the Gonzo’s dancefloor and the possibility of that actually frightens me.

Oh ya, I’m that guy Custard X – you know, the one so-and-so told you about. I’m not gonna say don’t stick uit to the paatie, but if you do bring protection – and yes that was double entendre – thank you I’ll be here, indefinitely.

All pics courtesy of @komfysach.